Thursday, June 2, 2011

Really Neglected

I have neglected this blog for about year. It's just been really crazy! Life never stops, but I am here to vent. I am almost all alone. Not in the sense that I live by myself, but in the sense that I don't have someone here that I am in constant contact with and is 100% here for me everyday.
I love my husband, I really do, but we have been living apart for almost 5 years and haven't seen each other in person for 3 years. It's extremely hard. We will have our 6 year anniversary in Sept. this year. The last 10 years I have felt lonely except for one, that was the one year that Ricardo and I was actually able to live together in the same house.
I am on my own. I have to take care of kids, pay the bills, work to make sure an income is coming in, struggle, etc...on my own. It's hard and without someone to really, I mean really talk to and to really share this with, I get lonely. There isn't money to go out for a day trip, even going to the store has to be limited.
Ricardo is still living in Costa Rica. He got bitten by a mosquito at work and got derange fever. He will be out of work for at least a week. Yesterday he had to go to the doctor for another treatment. While he was there it rained...alot. If you know the rains in Costa Rica, you know that it can rain enough to close roads. After all it is part of the rain forest. Anyways, he got stuck in the rain at the doctors last night and had to stay there. He texted me through his cell phone which is connected to facebook and mine cell phone is also connected to facebook.
I haven't heard from him since last night. I figured he got home and was tired or not feeling well so I didn't attempt to contact him. I didn't feel anything bad had happened.I figured he would contact me when he was feeling better and if he had internet. (The internet isn't really reliable there all the time)
We he contacted me in the early evening today and told me he felt bad because I didn't attempt to contact him and that he feels alone even though there are people (family) around him. I apologized since this was not my intention, but I also thought to myself "And I don't feel lonely?!" I didn't say that out loud, but I wanted to scream it at him. I know it would not do any good so I didn't. I kept it to myself. Now I feel like crying, only I won't. I still have kids to get in bed and take care of and I don't need to them feeling bad because of me.
I just lost my temp job of 6 months and just got the last paycheck from that job. I have been spending some off hours and working towards opening up a home business. I am ready to open and have been getting the details finished, marketing, etc. I spent most of my day doing this, taking breaks as needed. I feel like I am working my tail off and still haven't made any money, but I have one client, just not a paying one yet. They are contracted to start next week.
Then to top it all off, my ex-husband is switching jobs (with a cut in pay) and my child support is having to be redone. So I have no idea when it will start up again, I hope that it will be sooner than later! I need to pay bills, but at least it's still the beginning of June.  This economy sucks!!

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